Don't ever look back, baby.

I haven't written here in forever.

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 06:52:41 GMT

So as the title suggests, I haven't written in this journal in quite some time. And so I decided that, after a long hiatus, I shall at least write this one post to update anyone who may still be around on the going ons of my life.

a. I graduated college. In May.
b. I am a recent-graduate-with-no-job bum.
c. I went to my first pride.
d. I'm going to grad school.
e. I'm alive.

a;; So after four years of waking up early, going to class, hanging out with friends, going to movies, late nights, coffee, trips, clubs and final exams - I graduated. I'm somewhat sad to be done with it. You see, I feel as if I just started to live life during those four years, and now that its done, I feel like I still have so much to do that I can't anymore. I'm going to miss my friends, the atmosphere, the freedom. The future scares me, and I wish I can stay one more year. But, alas life moves on. Its up to me now to keep in contact with friends, and to find the time to have some fun despite the busy life I will eventually be living.

b;; As noted, I have graduated. And, I'm jobless. I am trying to find something to do for the rest of the summer and perhaps one semester before grad school starts. But, part of me wants to not to work because I will be extremely busy once graduate school begins. I guess, I want my final freedom to do what I want, sleep in late, play video games and hang out. But, I do need the money. So I am conflicted inside, but I'm sure I'll figure it out soon.

c;; From June 25th to the 29th, I was in Toronto taking part in my very first Pride. It was fun, but overwhelming. I have never experienced anything like it before, and so I was taken back a bit. Which my friends have noticed in my lack of decisiveness. But I did not know what to do, there was so much TO do. Ah well, it was enjoyable. The performances I've seen were great, the parade itself was amazing and fun, and the night club experience was different. I have never been to a gay club, and so I was a bit overwhelmed there as well. Especially coupled with the extensive use of a fog machine -- which with many bodies dancing, loud music, flashing lights and hot temperatures -- made me have an anxiety attack and actually tired me out quite soon. I enjoy dancing, but that night I was a little drained from the atmosphere. Hopefully next time it will be a better experience.

d;; As mentioned, I will be attending graduate school. Tufts university is my new institution, and I will be working towards a PhD in Chemistry, specifically Organic Chemistry. I however am taking a -- hopefully -- semester off before I start fully. So, by January I should be entering my program, and becoming shut off from the world.

e;; And lastly, and probably most importantly, I am alive. Life has been interesting. Sadly no love interest, hopefully one day.

And this ends my update. There's more that I could write about, but I don't feel that important to discuss.

So I bid all who reads that they have a nice rest of summer, and take care.

Who knows..

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 06:11:52 GMT

Dear Bryan,

If you happen to stumble upon this one day. I'd just like to say..
I found the collection of artwork you've sent me...man, it must of been 3 and half years ago.
It really made me happy, and sad. I hope you're doing good.

Take care.
Jason

Blindness.

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 04:59:32 GMT

Its a scary thought. What if I were to wake up blind? I wouldn't know what to do.

On Monday, 10/20/08 around 2:15 PM, I had a violent reaction that happened in my eyes. Somehow, someway, I got chemicals in my eye, or on my hands. And when I went to wash my hands, it reacted, and even though I washed it with soap, it was still on my hands because when I went to wash my face, my eyes burned. Burned like hell. And then my eyebrows started to as well.

Everyone was worried for me. I laughed, of course. I always laugh. I cope better that way. I could have went blind, but I didn't want to think that. So I laughed.

But deep down inside, I was afraid. Afraid I was going to wake up the next day, unable to see. And then what? That day was horrible from then on. Until Heroes, in which I squeed in joy. But I realized, if I did go blind, how can I watch Heroes? Just listening won't give me the same feeling if I can't see what is going on.

Tuesday, 10/21/08, at 8:30 AM. I awoke for the first time in my life, glad that I can see. My world was vivid that whole day.

Slowly, my dear.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 05:13:52 GMT

As days go by, I realize how close I am to graduating. The real world is soon at my doorstep, and all past dreams are crashing.  What do I want to do with my life? I don't know the answer to that question anymore. My senior year is killing me slowly inside, and with it, my love of Chemistry.  I really can't see myself in the lab anymore. I'd rather not be in the lab anymore. I feel being a scientist will end up like one of those jobs I won't look forward to when I wake up each and every day.

Will a PhD be useful to me?  I don't know. From what I understand, PhDs manage. They rarely get their hands dirty anymore. Is that what I want?  No. I want to do the work, run the reactions, purify the compound, the whole shebang. But do I want to be the "hands" for the rest of my life?  To come in, and be told what to do day in and day out?  Not really.

I am applying to Graduate school. I am going to apply for a PhD program.  I'll see where life will take me. I just hope its the path I do want in the end.

Aaachoo.

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 05:44:18 GMT

Random Fact: When eating french-fries off a plate, I like to line my fries in no particular order. But they have to be lined up -- one after the other. Size isn't an issue. If I have too much fries on my plate, I munch munch munch until I have enough to properly line the plate along the diameter (assuming the plate is circular in shape).

---

I used to not have a lot of friends when I was little. This I was told by my mother. When I think about it, I don't remember any kids in my neighborhood during my youth. There was this one girl -- Christina. She used to live next door to me; I also had a crush on her. Big time. I once snuck out of my house when I was a wee kid just to go see if she was up. That's how much I liked her.

Anyways. In pre-K, I did not have much friends the first half of the year according to my mom. It was due to me being sick for that first half, and missing out in school because of it. A crucial time in my life, I'd say. My social skills were unable to develop by the lack of interaction I got because of being sick. However, I did make one friend eventually, who sat with me during lunch time once. My mom told me I was really excited that day cause I made a new friend. Jordan was his name. I don't know what happen to him ever since I left elementary school ):

The girl I had a crush on moved away. I was lonely in my neighborhood again. My mother raised me up by herself; my dad was busy at work and/or in the Marines and off at camp/overseas most of childhood. This time of my life would explain why I'm such a "mama's boy". From this would also explain my respect for women in general. Might also explain why I'm gay, who knows? Anyways, my mom was always there. So was my grandmother. So I was inside most of the time. And my social skills once again was stunted in its growth.

Elementary school I made friends, but it took a while.

My mom used to watch a cousin of mine. He had an appetite for junk food. He was also older. Thus, I thought he was cool, and thus I attained an appetite for hunger. A bad one. Plus my mom's delicious good cooking, as well as my grandfather's -- I plumped up during this time. And as I went through elementary school, I was already getting teased by the older kids. And thus there went my self-confidence.

This continued through middle school as well. I remember one time waiting for the bus after school, I was talking to a friend. It was hot that day, and like the small, exaggerative kid I was said "It's so hot, I think I could melt!"
To which an older kid, 8th grade perhaps, returned "Yeah you can. *laughs with other older kids* You look like a fat marshmallow."

And similar events like that continued to occur. This all contributes to my lack of self-confidence. Deep rooted in my brain, I disliked being the target of jokes like that. Of course, who would like that? And so, from that feeling, my defense mechanism was to shy away from the spot light. If I did not bring any attention to myself, than no one had the opportunity to say something hurtful. This kept up the rest of middle school and through high school. It got to the point where it just hindered myself from many things because, from the constant teasing I did receive, I viewed myself as just a person with too many flaws. Flaws that I did not want to make people aware of, and so I kept shy and quiet.

But this story ends well, I promise.

I joined Gaia in 2003. I made friends online, who well, liked me for me, since you know, they couldn't see who I really was. I made a lot of close friends, and with time, eventually met some of them in person. That time, I was still shy, lacking social skills, and very low in self-confidence. But, that didn't matter to them. They still liked me.

Now in college, I decided life's worth taking risks. My self-confidence is ever so slightly rising. I'm becoming more outgoing. And, I'm just trying to climb my way out of the hole I dug myself into at an early age. And so far its going great.

--

I couldn't sleep, so I wrote that. Now I'm tired, so back to bed.

Science.

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 00:49:15 GMT

Someone the other day asked me, "Why chemistry? Why science?"
I thought about it for a bit, and gave a quick "It's what I was good at the most" as a reply. That's all.

Thinking about it, I never really gave it much thought as to why I chose to follow the science path. I was pretty good in all subjects, especially when I put effort into it. That's what I did a lot of -- putting effort into my work. It's funny how some things work in life. In elementary school, I was an average student. There was nothing so spectacular about me. Kindergarten through fourth grade, I was an high B low A student most of the time. I may have been a teacher's pet as well. In fact, I still am. And I'm not ashamed. So for a short side step, I love learning. And I appreciate all my educators for the hard work they put into helping me learn throughout my life.

Back on subject. In fifth grade, I decided to play an instrument. A clarinet. That set me slightly different in my final elementary year. Although, I sucked compared to everyone else. Middle school came a long, I was frightened. The stories I was told prior to my arrival had me petrified at the work load and how tough everything was to become. So all my first exams? I study my butt off. And as a price, I did well. Well enough that people told me I was "smart". Smart? Me? Again, I was nothing spectacular up to that point. Other than me being me, and that being spectacular in itself. ;D But, as education went, I wasn't considered smart by the time I left elementary school. So, why did they call me that? All I did was put effort into studying.

I kept doing that. Putting effort into studying. And, the more "Wow Jason, you're smart" I got. It got to the point where I even started to believe in it myself, a bit. My parents were proud of me. My relatives were proud of me. Apparently I was the only smart one in the family? But not really. This kept up through all of middle school. I was someone everyone came for help. I was someone who people held minor grudges against cause I did well on a exam, or paper, or something. Of course, mind you, I wasn't "that" good. I didn't even make it my top five ranking when I graduated middle school.

High school came a long. Again, people expected me to be one of the "top" students. And as the people pleaser I am, forced myself into that light. At this point, I realized how much I do love education. I loved going to school, even though I dreaded waking up early and homework, and quizzes and tests, and what not. But, I know all of it was essential for my betterment. I had high hopes for myself. Of all my classes, though, Science was one that I seemed to enjoy the most. English was fun, but I got lazy reading books. History was fun, but I got lazy remembering facts. Math was fun, I liked challenging myself with math problems and challenging my brain -- probably why I still keep it as a minor. I had a creative writing course that I adored, but lack inspiration a lot of times. Technology class, Spanish, Computer courses...they were fun, but nothing I was too interested in. High school science, however, is where my fascination of how the world works began. At least, in my mind it is.

I graduated top in my class. In fact, fifth out of 200+ students. I was quite proud of myself. I made sure I got in that "top five" category.

Skipskipskipskip.

I'm not smart. Least, not naturally. I am, however, a hard worker. If I put my effort into something, I can do it. And science is something I'm putting an effort into. There isn't much I know about Chemistry, and am still trying to learn. But, I am trying. And loving it.

Music.

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 00:45:49 GMT

I really don't remember much music when I was a little kid. I hear friends always speak of "Oh yeah, my parents always had the Beatles on" or "Yeah, I grew up listening to Bob Marley." I personally don't remember growing up on any specific type of music. I am sure there must of been something, because I do see my parents' old collection of records of various artists back in the day. But I don't remember any distinct moment where I'd be surrounded by music that I could relate to my tastes today.

Well, that's almost true. I do have one specific memory that I have, which amazes myself that I could actually remember it. It was when I was in elementary school. My father and mother were both working at this point, so I had to go to a babysitter. My babysitter was the mother-in-law of my father's cousin. She was an old Portuguese lady, who took care of me, and her grandchildren, one being related to me through my dad. A third cousin I guess you would call it? Anywho. This third cousin, Nancy was her name. She was older than me, I believe at that point she was in middle school already. We'd hang out, watch tv on an old tv that had the push buttons for certain channels, thus we only had like 10 channels, and everything. I was pretty much influenced by her a lot. At that time, I was already growing leg hair (YES ONLY IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL D: ). She had a razor blade in which she used to shave her legs. I did so on mine once. Had spots of missing leg hair, haha.

But I digress. The memory I specifically remember is that one day, she put on her Madonna record. Madonna, yes. Like a Virgin, her Dick Tracy song, Vogue, all her classics were on it. And my cousin, well, my cousin would dance to them. And, she had me dance with her. We danced, we vogued, we acted out Dick Tracy. All of this while Madonna played in the background.

And years later, low and behold who one of my favorite artist is? That's right, Madonna.
I like to think that that one memory had a lasting affect on me to this day, shaping the mold that is my present state.

Yep.

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 05:27:57 GMT

I feel like writing about myself. More so, I feel like analyzing my life as I grew up in order to clarify to myself, or anyone who reads, how I came to the person I am. Expect random, incoherent entries to come. :D

omnom

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 02:57:16 GMT

"Working" has given me a lot of time to think about things, for you see, thinking helps pass the time. Once I start on a train of thought, time goes by quicker. As time goes by quicker, work ends quicker, and that's always a plus. Now, what I think about -- that's the story.

I've recently became obsessed about the idea of kissing someone. No one in particular, just a someone; any person. I don't know why, but I want to experience that feeling of lips touching. Or of the awkward advances made just before lips are locked. I'm not quite sure what has brought my train of thought to this idea, but the more I think about it, the more I want to do it. But you see, I just don't want to go away and give free kisses to just anyone. Darn me and my stubborn ways -- but I'd prefer to give them to special people. I just...need to find a special person? But I've given up looking; and letting it find me hasn't been working either. I just don't know what to do. Completely. Lost. But I have my thoughts.

I've been thinking about cosplays I want to do. I know, I know. Maybe I shouldn't. But I want to. And I want to be one of those who grab attention, getting stopped every second to take a picture. That feeling was wonderful my last costume I did; addicting. And all I want is more. More more more. To be admired, to be complimented, to be photographed and praised.

...Me thinks me spots a trend.

I have wonderful friends. I have a wonderful family.
But.

I found some old love letters from an ex. The person who ended up fooling me for a whole year, cleverly hiding the fact that 'he' was a 'she', using pictures of a friend, having said friend call me, and everything. UGH. But yeah, found some old love letters, and it made me miss that year where someone was so into me like that person was. Er, pretended to be.

Blahblahblah.
I'm hopeless~

bleeh.

Sat, 17 May 2008 05:07:09 GMT

I am a mess.

I want to call someone. And be cute on the phone. And listen to someone's day. And be cute some more. And talk about nothing in particular.
I have a person I kinda want to talk to on the phone..
But he's been avoiding me lately...I guess I should give up on that..

I also got hacked. Twice. On Gaia. It sucks.

ajlfkajl;gja

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:55:25 GMT

~~FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK~~

It's funny how one stupid, stupid, STUPID mistake can ruin one's life.

Hah!

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 05:19:15 GMT

An update to my summer plans:

So, although I was put onto a wait list, and I wasn't their first choice, I have been contacted that a opening has occurred and I am able to get the cancer summer research job. Woo for me? Although it now brings in problems. One, I already started to plan my summer working at school. Two, the research they are offering isn't exactly what I had in mind. And three...D: I have to present something, ew.

But, its a good opportunity for me. But, this means little traveling for me through the months of May and June, and perhaps July. So...most definitely no Anime North this year. ;________;

But, I shall make time to visit. D: Cause, I should have free time through July, and definitely in August. Maybe Toronto's Gay Pride Parade thinger? RIAN? If not, maybe for your birthday? O: Of course, if you're not terribly busy and what not. We'll talk, I'm sure.

I gots to do me some thinking though. I have Tuesday to finalize my decision, plus plan what I will do for my school research. I'm pumped to finish it, but I need to make time.

Life's crazy. I hope I can hang on tight.

I'm alive! o:

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 05:20:01 GMT

Of course I am.

So updates of sorts:

Anime Boston: March 21st - 23rd was Anime Boston -- the biggest here in the northeast. And, I went for the whole convention. I'm not really a big anime fan, like many of the people I have seen during my visit. But...being at a convention is oddly fun. I was sad I didn't dress up, I should have brought my Marluxia costume with me. ): I really want to cosplay for some reason. Or at least make a costume to wear around. I have a lot in mind to try and accomplish. Maybe I will once this school year is over.

Anyways, anime boston. I was a dork and went to the AMV contest, Masquerade, Improve sketch, the Pillows concert (with Luv and Response opening act), and the cosplay Chess. It was...fun in a way. And I applaud Anime Boston for killing a few internet memes that weekend. So know this, the cake is a lie, you just lost the game. Oh, and you just got Rick Roll'd ;D.

I bought some art work from artists. I'll take a picture and upload them laterz. :D

School: I R SCIENTIST. School is school, as usual. Classes, labs, homework, develop pictures, sleep. That's how it goes. But I'm almost done with my third year, and soon to start my fourth! Then, I shall be done with undergraduate studying. And off to graduate school. Living in an apartment! O:! I'm really excited about the apartment itself. xD

I have planned my next semester out, and its looking hectic. Four chemistry courses, and Japanese 3. Woo? So I have to take a seminar, or as I like to call it,Cheminar. Also Physical Chemistry 1 and Molecular Modeling, and a Chem internship! Sounds fun.

I have this professor who lacks professionalism. She is a recent graduate from my college, who just finished getting her masters. Not that I have anything against people who just get masters...but, this class really needs someone with a PhD. I am learning nothing! And it's not good, cause I need to learn something for my chemistry future. So I went to complain to the department chair. I may be getting an A, but I'd rather get a B and learn what I'm supposed to learn. ):!

Other than that, I'm going to New Orleans next week to present at a conference! And the school's paying...well, I'm paying first, but then I'll get reimbursed. This will be fun. I'm hoping that I can go out drinking with my professor who is going to, only cause I'd think that'd be awesome. xD I have bounded so much with my Chemistry professors. They taught me so much. ; ;

Summer: With school ending on April...29th I believe, and finals over May 7th, summer begins for me after that day. And what will I be doing? Not doing research for the American Cancer Society. D:! They put me on a waitlist. So, in other words, 10 other people were a better choice than me. D: Oh well, oh well. Thats ok. Maybe one of those better people would decline for another offer, and I'll get this internship. Otherwise, back to working in school again for another summer, and getting only 2000$. As opposed to getting 4500$ ; ;

Alright, I'm really upset. I was really looking forward to that internship.

But working at school again is ok, I guess. Free rooming. 2000 bucks. Access to a gym. I need to start up some sort of work out, I'm a little out of shape. As in, when I used to be able to make it up the four stories long stair case with ease, is now making me lose my breath a bit. So I might just do a little jogging to build up my stamina again.

So right now, my parents have no plans for their anniversary. I want to ask them if its ok if I got to Toronto prior to the long weekend and their anniversary, and be back on time for it -- especially if they don't go anywhere. I mean, at least I can do some visiting, and maybe go to the con? But the con itself is not the priority, the visiting. But the con is a little added bonus, despite its HUGE INCREASE IN PRICE. D: Good thing I still have some Canadian dollars left. :D

I might be going to Japan for a week. I'd get to practice the Japanese I learn! Woo. And, food. Yuum~

Other: Um. I dunno. Nothing really. xD;

That's it for now. I probably forgot things, but thats ok.
I'll add it when I remember.

I AM DYING.

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 03:13:54 GMT

Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

I've been sick since December. Got antibiotics. Still remained sick after completion of antibiotics. Had horrible coughing for a whole month. Got sick with some sort of the flu the beginning of this month. Died. Finally got better, but still had horrible coughing fit. Then get sick again yesterday, within the same month, with maybe another form of the flu?

My immune system is dead.
The end.

Please new doctor, figure out whats wrong with me.
D:

Mmm mmm mmm.

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:34:02 GMT

Today I bought myself a nice little treat. Shadow of the Colossus. Greatest hit for only 19.99. It was about time I got that game, and after three colossi down, I'm loving it. Even though I get so frustrated at my tv screen every time I fall off and have to start climbing all over them giants again. Other than that, it's fun.

Stressed out Jason calmed down for the time being. Things became less jumbled together for a while, and I'm surviving. One good thing was going home last weekend. I think I caught some strain of the flu last Thursday, felt crappy, had a fever, passed out, etc. So Friday, after going to a meeting with my professor for class and research, she basically told me to go home. Luckily I bought a bus ticket, so I did. And it was great. I haven't been home for a month since I got to school. And to relax, and have my mom be there to take care of me, and to get away from the dorm, and school books, and homework was really needed. I'm still sick, have the sniffles and a cough. But overall, I feel much much better. Going home again for the long weekend. And I'll be going out with my parents and my aunt and uncle and getting drunk! lololol.

But not really. But free booze ftw! xD

Um.
n.n

Posting to post.

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 21:15:46 GMT

I'm sitting here.
At my laptop.
Waiting for my pre-internship class.

I just finished writing a fake cover letter to a company that maybe I'd ask for an internship?
And I realized.
I'm going to be a senior soon.
I'm going to graduate soon.
I'm going to apply to graduate school soon.
I find it funny that graduate and graduate look the same but pronounced differently.
I wish I had the energy to emphasize the stress marks.

I'm not ready for you world.
Not ready.

Nervous.
Break.
Down.
T-minus 5 seconds.

...
...
...

Or not.
xD

Everything looks better centered. Well not everything.
I need me a Peter Pan to take me to Neverland.
But not Michael Jackson's Ranch home.

ahem.

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 06:30:26 GMT

I HATE you FUNDAMENTALS OF CHEMICAL ANALYSIS course that's a requirement for my major.

Ok. I feel slightly better.
Goodnight.

life, life, life.

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 06:41:43 GMT

Life is draining. Physically. Mentally. And I'm sure you all know that. I just like to point out the obvious.

School school school. That is my life, it seems. I have no time for anything much. Well, except going out to bars. Speaking of which, I had my first horrible night. And my last. This is how it happened. Last Friday, a few of my friends and I were hanging out in one of our friend's room in a hotel (our school rented out a floor of a nearby hotel for students). So we were playing music and drinking soda, and the music was from my ipod, so I was all into it, and it was a great start of our night. One of my friends was drinking something, no big deal. Jack Daniels and Coke. And he had a lot. Well, over the course of the night. So he was, well, buzzed. And he has a very eccentric personality, so, he was super crazy. And when he's drunk, well, he gets aggressive. Anyways. He gets a call from this guy at our school that he befriended. He happens to be gay (my friend is soooo gay, but I think he's really more bi, but anywho). So, that person was going with a friend to a place called The Machine -- a gay bar/club. My friend agreed to go. Then BEGGED me to go with him. Pushing me. Pushing my friends who told him I shouldn't. Etc. Finally, I gave in, cause well, I wanted to go, but not really, but really. But not really. Skipping ahead, I felt like I needed a drink. Just to settle my nerves and get me a little kick...just so I won't feel so awkward.

We go to the room of the guy who asked my friend to go, who was with his roommate. Both of them are like flamboyantly gay. And I felt so awkward, cause I'm not used to it. So, they let me take a shot of vodka, praised the fact I didn't need to take a chaser after. And yeah. One led to 2, led to 4, led to 8? All within an hour. And I felt great. I was dancing, we were having a blast. But we ended up not going to the club, cause it got late. Instead, we went outside and I was greeting everyone who came into my building. I'm a blast when I'm...blasted. Or so I'm told. And I know I am, cause I never get so drunk that I can't remember anything. I remember everything that happened. Anyways, after a few hours of that, I was dragged back to my room. And when I settled down, my stomach unsettled. And long story short, I did some worshiping to the porcelain god, if you know what I mean. ._.

HORRIBLE NIGHT. Ugh. Alcohol.

Any ways.

I applied for this summer internship. I won't hear about it till March or April. I'm excited.

School's kicking my bum, but not really.
I HATE GEOMETRY. But not really. But I do. So much writing. I thought I'd get to sketch shapes. I even bought graphpaper. But no. Everything is computer-based, and proof-writing-based. Ugh.
Photo is fun. I am taking landscape pictures this weekend. :D
My directed study course -- which is my super awesome just for me class -- is going fine.
Japanese is going fine.
My chemistry class, horrible. The professor is...ugh. She graduated from my school like in 2004? Got her masters, and is back teaching. But doesn't know much about my class. Ugh. UGH. UUUUGH. I am not learning anything, and that makes me mad. DDD:

And other than that.
I'm super tired every day. I wish I can sleep more.
Maybe I'll go do that now.
Yes.

More updates later.

):

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 06:31:26 GMT

I fear for my life. Well...not really. But sorta. Kinda...yeah.

I've been sick for a little over 3 weeks, with no sight of recovery. My coughs are getting worse. To the point that my throat just closes up my airway passage, and I'm there gasping for air, only to not get any.

It lasts a few seconds. But those seconds seem like eternity. Its scary when you can't breathe, and you aren't purposely trying to hold your breath.

My dad is going to call the doctor tomorrow. I hope I can get seen.
I think I may have a case of walking pneumonia. Pneumonia, only not that severe.
I mean...I had a cold, that just seems to get worse rather than better. Dry coughing. Chest pains, usually during coughing. Runny nose. Sore throat. A decline in energy.
Then again, I haven't had headaches or fevers. I haven't gotten the chills. My breathing is normal...except when I have a huge coughing fit. No other pain in my body, skeletal or muscle wise.
Oh goodness, I hope I don't have it. But by the looks of it, I might. I mean, really now. I should be over this cold by now, but I'm not. ):

Oh well, we'll see tomorrow. Hopefully. I should remind my dad in the morning.
Bleeeeh for sickness. D:!

COUGHCOUGHHACKCOUGH

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 17:50:43 GMT

I really dislike being sick.

Whenever I'm sick, I act like its the end of the world. Dramatic much? Yes. But its horrible. I slump about all day, coughing, coughing, COUGHING, as if my lungs were to explode out of my chest. I can't breathe at night cause my nose likes to stuff up just before I go to bed. Then during the day, it likes to turn on the faucet, and leave trails of snot down my lips. Ew. EW. Oh well, I finally got some OJ last night, and more medicine. And I should be better. Hopefully by tomorrow, so I can PARTY THE OLD YEAR AWAY.

But not really party away. I don't have any plans. My family doesn't have any plans...that I'm aware of. So right now, I believe I'll be home. Which is cool. I guess. But I'm sure something will come up. Something always does, only because there was something to happen and no one told me. What I can't wait for, though, is being able to party with friends. Like...I love celebrating with my family, but I really want to do one of those huge party club scene in like New York, or some big city with a bunch of friends, dancing, and celebrating the end of a year and the coming of a new one. Maybe next year? I'll be 21. My friends will be 21. I should plan a trip with them, yes.

Speaking of being 21. Seventeen more days until my birthday. My big 21st birthday. It's like...I'm an adult! But not really. Here, in the States, 21st birthdays are just an excuse to get drunk. I mean, woo, I can drink legally. Woo, lets get wasted. Woo! But not. I admit, I will go out. And I admit, I will party hard. But not that hard. Just a little hard. Maybe medium hard. Because that weekend right after my birthday, I have a four day weekend. So, it'll be party central at my room. But what I can't wait for is the fact that I'll be able to go to clubs again! I enjoy going to clubs for the music and the dancing. That's all. A gay club, a straight club, it doesn't matter. As long as there's good music and I'm with friends, I'll make the best of anything. I really can't wait. I like dancing. I'm not good at it. But I like it.

Other than that. Uhm. Next semester looks fun. I have five and a half classes. The half class being a 5-week pre-internship class that I need to take in order to get an internship for senior year. The other five include Analytical Chemistry, College Geometry (easy class ftw! lulz), Japanese 2, Photo I (I'm really excited for this), and a directed study in which I'll delve into the Classics of Total Synthesis. I'm pretty pumped.

Speaking of classes, I did well last semester. All my complaining, and worrying prepped me. My motto -- Plan for the worst, it lessens the blow of the truth. Pretty much, I like to think I fail, and then I find out I didn't, and feel super awesome. Two As, one A -, and two B+. This keeps me at a 3.6ish GPA, which I'm happy for. The surprising thing though is I got a B+ in my Molecular Biology class. I certainly though the highest I would get is a B-. But I was wrong. Which pleased me so much!

Christmas has passed, and I am pleased. I got a bunch of gift cards, Mario Galaxy and Trauma Center: New Blood for the Wii, a jacket from H&M that I love, some shirts, a book titled Classics in Total Synthesis, and an iPod dock thinger so I can play my music loud. My parents spoil me so. >.<;

So, me going to Anime North looks slim right now. I need to talk to my parents still, but right now, they don't want me to go. I shouldn't...I mean, it will be my parents 25th anniversary. And I haven't spend the last few anniversaries with them. But...I am pretty certain this will be my last AN. I mean, I would love to go again next year, but by then, I would have just graduated, will be getting ready to go to graduate school, working? and, just, adjusting for my life post-undergraduate school. The most I can do is just visit regularly. I'm afraid that once I graduate, I would lose a lot of contact with people. I don't want that to happen, and will do whatever I can to stop that. But, since I won't be able to go up for the yearly AN conventions, which is more for the visiting and less for the convention, I feel like I'll loose touch. Maybe I'm just silly. And I will visit whenever I have a chance and people are free and what not. Who knows.

I have another problem, as well. My friend wants me to go live with him during the summer in Florida. Which I am all for. But...I need to have a job. I mean, he says the living arrangements would be free. But, I'd need money to do other stuff. Which I'm sure I can find a part time job down there. But, I also want lab experience. My life right now is heading in the direction where I'll do research in labs. So I want as much experience I can get. So far I have two summers worth of in-school research. But I want to expand on this. Which leads to one (possibly two) research offers I can apply for in Boston. The one I'm most interested in is a Cancer-related research, which would pay 4500$ for a 10 week program. I would love that. But...Florida. ; ; So, currently, I am looking for any research-related programs in Florida I could partake in. We'll see.

Why try?

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 05:30:08 GMT

So I need a place to vent, a place to complain, a place, to write write write. So I came online to lj to do so.

I feel as my life is crumpling apart. Again. And by life, I mean my academic life. And by crumpling, I mean, FAILING EVERYTHING.
But I'm not really failing. But I feel like I am. I am I am I am. No no no. YES.

I study whole heartedly for an exam last Friday. Got it back today. And I got a 67. A SIXTY-SEVEN. I felt so confident. I felt that I at least got a low 90/high 80. But no...a 67. And this class. This class I love. I enjoy it so much. Natural Products -- a class about, as the title suggests, natural products. Compounds naturally produced, which can be used in so many things. Something I'm interested in studying post-graduation. And I get a 67. I essentially failed that exam.

I need to get an A. I have to. In this class. In the majority of my classes. I already designated by Molecular Biology course as the only class I'll get a B- in. Everything else was supposed to be in the A range. I have to bring up my GPA. I have to get into the Chemistry Honor Society. I have to get into a good Graduate Program to do something with my life. Why? Cause I want to. But no matter how hard I try. No matter how much I study...I fail.

My friend. Ugh, I hate him so much. But not really. He's such a great friend. Even though I hate him. But not really.
Anyways, you see. The night before the exam, I was doing my last day studying. I started around 7 and finished around 2:30. Studying for that one test. He came down to study with me...say an hour afterwards. NAPPED until like 12-12:30. Finally woke up, read for a bit, then left around 1:30. And he didn't start studying fully for it until that night. AND HE GOT A HIGHER GRADE.

Ugh. These kind of people get to me. Those who get things easily. I wish I could. But I can't. I have to study. But why should I anymore if it doesn't work?

I'm panicking so much. So much to do. So much to study. So much SO MUCH.

I just want to sleep.
Sleep.
Sleeeeep.

I'm an alcoholic.

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 06:56:08 GMT

That's right. I am.

But not really.

However...

I might be one one day?

I shudder to imagine my 21st birthday now. Being able to legally drink. That's going to be insane.
Its not like I need to drink alcohol. I don't need to. But its fun. Lousy for my liver though.
I'm such a great drunk. Cause, I don't get wasted, I don't have hangovers and I'm fun. I can be all that with out alcohol to.
But drinking gets me there faster?

Horrible reasons, I know. I'm not proud of myself. All I have to say, though, is that its okay once in a while.
I know my limits. I know my boundaries. And I definitely won't do it all the time.

Maybe when I'm in Toronto, I'll get some alcohol in me.
I'll be fun to hang out with.
I mean, not that I'm not without any.

But. Yeah.

I'm a loser.
T_T

And here I thought I was dead...

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 06:31:55 GMT

Okay, not really. I knew I was alive. This whole time. WHOLE TIME.

But really. I've been...busy. Yeah. Busy as in I haven't come on to lj forever. Busy as in, I pop on for a little while just to stare at the screen. And busy as that, I'm a little stress ball ready to explode! How exciting. :3

So what's happened to me in these few weeks of un-updating-ness? Stuff. These past few weeks are all a blur right now, everything meshed into one thing. But of course, school school school has been the priority of my life.

I've had many exams I had to study for. Two for biochemistry. One for molecular. One for Natural Products. One for Japanese. Two quizzes for World Religions. A lot of studying. They were my main focus. It was horrible.

I don't know if I've been trying hard enough in school, though. I mean, I feel like I am. But then I get an exam back, and I didn't do good. Whats up with that? Not studying doesn't work. Studying doesn't work. What will? One of my biochemistry exams was today/yesterday. I studied a lot for it, staying up really late. I feel confident, but, who knows.

Thanksgiving is coming up for those of us in the united states. I'm looking forward to it. One because its a five day weekend for me. Two, I want to go home and do nothing but sleep, light studying, and more sleep. How great. Plus turkey. I had a dream about getting the turkey leg. Mmm.

I need to plan three study groups for three finals for the three classes I tutor. That plus the studying I have to do for my OWN finals. Hectic hectic. I'm gonna die temporarily during the last few weeks of this semester. Unless...I start now. Hrm. I might do that. LIBRARY AWAY!

But not really. I'll start studying Sunday.

I ran today. And Tuesday. Greatest thing I did. It was like, such a stress reliever to actually start running again. I hope to do so more in the future.

I love being a Chemistry major. Of all the majors here at my school, the Chemistry majors have their own clique. Like, I mean, I don't just hang out with all chemistry majors. But, asides my great friends I made here (whom all range in different majors), I've also made lots of great friends within the chemistry department, as well as just regular friends. And when we're together, we talk about science and become such nerds. I never seen anyone from other majors really do that. I mean, they have friends, but, they really don't know everyone who's in their major. I guess it has to do with chemistry majors being one of the smallest minorities at my school. But still, I love that.

I'm so sleepy right now as I write this. I think I'll go fall asleep, now.
Goodnight~

As I wait in my friends room..

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 23:57:53 GMT

So today. Today today today. Today I like...almost fainted. IN JOY. IN HAPPINESS. In like "OOOOOMG"ness. Literally.

Today, I met one of my man idols. This one, his name is Bassam Shakashiri. He is someone who just inspires me so much in what I wish to do and accomplish.

See, today, as part of National Chemistry Week, I went to the Boston's Museum of Science and did hands on activities for a group of high school students. Before I did so though, there was a lecture I got to go watch. It was given by Bassam. And in it (I've seen his lecture numerous times in the past 2 years), he did experiments that just captivated everyone's attention. Everyone was so excited, so stunned, so amazed. And I was, too. Even if I knew what happens when certain things mixed, or I remembered all his corny jokes, I'm still shocked, amazed, excited...just like a little kid.

Picture this man. Standing in front of all these kids with a t-shirt that says "SCIENCE IS FUN". Science IS fun. I love his shirt. I'm going to buy it. But I digress. This man, he just...he goes around, asides being a professor and a chemist, and lectures to students, kids, adults, everyone about the fun you can have with science. That science is MORE than what you learn in school, in classes. Its more than the formulas and mathematics, the theories and concepts. Its EVERYWHERE. And its just FASCINATING.

I was so nervous, but I walked up to him as he was leaving, and said I wanted to introduce myself. I was speaking fast, which I tend to do when I'm really nervous. I shook his hand and said I'm a big fan, and that he's one of my idols. I told him he inspires me to do what he does, to teach kids at my school the fun of Chemistry. It's because of him that, after I do research, and do my main objective with what I want to do with my Chemistry major, I will become a teacher. Or just go around and show that Science Is Fun.

Phew. I had this happy look after. I wish I asked him to give me an autograph. Oh well, his firm hand shake will stay in my heart forever.

Other than that, I found out when I can register for classes next semester. 11/05/2007 at 2:40. Why I write this? Because I'm a day ahead of all my friends who are in the same grade as me. Why? CAUSE IM ACTUALLY A SENIOR WOOOO. I could graduate next semester...if I didn't have classes I need to take still. xD Stupid major.

Anywho, I'm excited for next semester. A little. I have 4 classes, plus a pre-internship class. I will be taking Analytical Chemistry (which of all my classes is what I'm least looking forward to due to the fact that its from 1:25 to 5:25 Monday and Wednesday), Photo 1, Japanese 2, and my own class as a Directed Study. I might take a math class, if I can wiggle it in, or a Music class.

The awesome thing is...I have FRIDAYS OFF. At least so far.

And um.

Man. I have 3 semesters left.
Then I'll be graduating.
Kinda scared. I don't know if I'm ready to leave this place.

Oh well.

Off to do homework with friends and watch Chuck and HEROES~

NATIONAL CHEMISTRY WEEK

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 02:43:33 GMT

So, happy National Chemistry Week! At least, the first day of it!~

So, yeah. This week went by fast. Somewhat. Still busy, but not as much!

Firstly, to answer kept, my user name is...Noxsaj. xD;

Secondly, I got a 94 on my religion midterm! I so kicked its butt. Oh yeah. 8D

Uhh.

Um.

I'm a model. :D

That's it, I'm too tired to think.